Sometimes things aren’t okay….
Seasons of life are a funny thing. Sometimes you don’t realize that you’re going through one until you’re in the middle of it.
This season in my life feels like it’s been going on for a LONG time and sometimes I’m not ok. The emotions come and go, but I just can’t see an end to it. Today I saw an article on Facebook about a couple who tried to get pregnant for two years. It’s a beautiful story, but instead of seeing the hope in it, I feel discouraged.
In the article, is a picture of two onesies and 452 needles. At first glance, this photo is shocking. You’re looking around like “why are all these needles lying around baby onesies?” I continued to read on and learned that the couple has gone through IVF for a while and after many attempts to get pregnant, through oral medicines and hormone shots, they are having twins. Such wonderful news!
So as I continue to read this article, it’s not just about the struggle of getting pregnant. She’s talking about how the struggle has made them stronger as a couple. How God will never give you more than what you can handle at any given time and that our struggles are meant to strengthen us.
This post hits so close to home with me.
We’ve been trying to get pregnant for over two years and our doctor’s appointment in September with the fertility specialist has left me feeling discouraged. Hearing the only way you’re going to get pregnant is if you have this surgery that will cut out part of your stomach has a funny way of doing that. It hasn’t given me a lot of hope of becoming a mother. I’ve dreamed of becoming a mother for so long and now this professional tells me that my dream is just a little out of reach.
So we decided to try just to give it a break. Let my body rest from all the hormone medicines that I’ve been on for over a year and a half. I was strangely at peace with this decision, but I never really understood why and I never questioned it. I just thought it was God telling me that it’s all gonna be OK and I should try to let it go.
I’m reading this and I realize that I have given up. I’ve quit trying. I’ve quit confiding in others about our fertility issues. I’ve quit talking about it or, to the best of my ability, even quit thinking about it. This realization floored me. My goodness! Am I giving up on something that I’ve dreamed about for the last seven years?
I broke down. I have lost all sense of caring and I suddenly realized how deep into a hole I have dug myself.
Thinking back on the last couple of months, times have been hard emotionally. I’ve gone from yelling, to crying in a matter of seconds. I’m exhausted just thinking about what I need to do that day.
I don’t know what’s going on.
This couple, who have gone through over two years of struggles, show the strength that’s required to endure the fertility process. Remembering that God will not put more on you than you can handle and that He is preparing us for the things in our lives that we can not see. I had forgotten this. Whatever God is trying to teach me or to have me grow into, I have lost sight of His path for my life.
In the last year and a half, I don’t think I’ve really turned to him. I’ve prayed and cried over our situation, but truly handing it over to him… I know I should and I always intend to (though I struggle with the how part), but I get lost in my own feelings and forget that He is in control.
…and It’s Ok
I’m writing all this to say that I’m not OK…and it’s ok. This isn’t a call for help. It’s just REALLY difficult to get these feelings out. It’s hard to describe the feelings that you’re going through to people who’ve not gone through this struggle.
That feeling of failure, of being incomplete, irrelevant, broken… I get it. There is no right answer and a million different ways to tackle this. All of them won’t work for you. Everyone’s journey is different, but through it all I really, truly believe deep in my soul that God is strengthening us for something greater. That this is not a test. This is not a punishment, but the strengthening of our souls and our bodies. He is making us stronger.
You know deep in your soul that you have been called to be a parent, whether it is biologically or through adoption. God is strengthening you. So maybe instead of trying to fix everything ourselves we give Him the control. Society has made us want to just keep everything safe and bundled up. Maybe it’s time that we expose ourselves to the world and say, “Yes, I am hurt and broken and I am suffering. And I am not ashamed because otherwise I’m hiding in a dark hole alone and that does not help. I need you to understand what I’m going through, not so you can fix it but so I don’t feel so isolated and alone and just shut off from the entire world.”
Because once you shut that door, it’s really hard to open it again. I’m 31 years old and I don’t know how to open myself to being vulnerable and allowing other people into my life, because I don’t want them to see my pain. I don’t want them to see how I hurt, how I struggle, and how imperfect I am.
I hope you don’t feel like that in your life, but if you do you’re not alone. Join the club. We all struggle every day to be better people, to be more understanding, to be more caring, to feel a little less broken, and a little more complete.
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