God’s Plan, Not Mine
I have walls. They are 10 feet high and they keep me safe from the judgement of others, but not from myself. I didn’t realize how tall and thick these walls are until this weekend.
This week at church, we had a “Community Weekend”. Basically, it’s where people who attend the church get connected with a community group to worship together outside of the regularly scheduled services and live life together.
My husband is a social butterfly and loves this. For me, this has always been a subject of anxiety because it’s hard for me to open up and talk to people who I don’t know (says the girl who’s writing a blog!). But during the service I was stopped in my tracks by something one of the speakers said.
“Two people are better than one. They can help each other in everything they do. Suppose someone falls down. Then his friend can help him up. But suppose the man who falls down doesn’t have anyone to help him up. Then feel sorry for him!” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
I live in the state of mind where I can handle everything by myself. I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time so why would I need to rely on anyone else? I know me and what I need. I don’t need anyone else.
Well, God doesn’t agree with my thought process on this and has really been working on my heart about it. He has repeatedly told me to get out of my comfort zone this year. To the point where I started a website so that I could share my journey and reach others who may be going through the same things I am or knows someone who is. And through this I’ve learned one very important thing about myself.
I cannot handle everything myself.
I can’t. I’m weak and broken and human. We are not built to carry the weight of the world on our shoulders and we can’t live this life without the love and support of others. If so, we wouldn’t crave companionship. God wouldn’t have created Eve for Adam. We are meant to support one another through life whether it’s financially, emotionally, or spiritually. So why should I think that I could handle all of life’s struggles by myself?
I don’t know about you, but my self revelations normally come while I’m driving. So true to form, I was driving home the other day and broke. I’m sure the people in the car next to me thought I had lost my mind. I was crying out to God, tears streaming down my face and I kept repeating this one statement. “I cannot do this any longer. Please help me.” It’s all I could think of in the moment.
The stress of my impending fertility appointment is crushing me. I’ve enjoyed this month of not taking any medicine and feeling like myself. I have taken fertility medicine for over a year, and it’s wonderful to not have something else controlling my emotions. I’ve enjoyed it so much that the thought of starting the new fertility process has put me in a dark place. Thinking about how the medicine will affect Geoff and I, and thoughts of “what if it doesn’t work” keep me up at night.
So I’m sharing my struggles this week. I have built all these walls, and for what? Who is it benefitting? Not me and not the people I care about. So I talked to people and made eye contact and exposed a bit of myself this week. It was excruciating, but the first step always is. I do not want to walk through life alone and I definitely do not want to alienate myself from others just because I’m afraid.
“I think of that counselor telling me I was the house in the woods with no doors or windows. No way to get in or out,she said. But she was wrong, because: Walls fall down”– I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson